My Day

Nov. 11th, 2010 09:41 pm
bonnie_rocks: (Default)
As I said in my previous post, today is 9 years since Billy and Cathy were in a tragic car accident that took both of their lives.

Every year on this day, I wake up at 4:45am, not by choice, but it's like clockwork. I went to bed last night knowing that it was going to happen. Thankfully, I was able to get myself to fall back asleep for the remaining hour before my alarm went off at 6am.

I had a breakdown while getting ready this morning. This caused me to run late, so I went to Ronkonkoma instead of Patchogue and caught the 7:32, which is not unusual for me to take. A woman came on the train before we pulled out of the station and sat down a few rows ahead of me. I looked up and noticed that the woman looked exactly like Cathy. No joke. Her red hair, the makeup, facial features... everything! I've never seen this woman on this train before, and I take it quite often, sitting in the exact same spot every time.

I went to my first class and then when I left my class, something else happened. I was walking in the quad and I heard someone call my name from behind me. I turned around and saw no one there. I thought to myself, "That was weird." and then I felt someone tap my shoulder. This time I quickly turned around and caught a split-second glimpse of Billy before he disappeared.

When I got to ACSM (where I spend my breaks between classes), some of the people in the lounge started singing songs from RENT. Without them knowing it, they were honoring Cathy. A little later on, there was a conversation about Tori Amos. Thank you for also honoring Billy, without knowing it. This lifted my spirits a little bit.

On my way home, I was standing on the platform waiting for the train to come and all of a sudden, there were 2 white doves standing on the platform together, looking in my direction. Doves are never at Jamaica station. Backstory: When it was the 1st anniversary of their deaths, Billy and Cathy's mom and dad released 20 white doves. Only 18 returned. So, seeing the doves today was no fluke.

Today was a really tough day for me. It still is, but at least I'm home now, so if I'm going to cry, I can just let it all out.

bonnie_rocks: (Default)
It's been 9 years since the accident that claimed the lives of two very special people in my life. My world came crashing down on November 11, 2001.

I had a very bizarre and vivid dream that morning. In the dream, I was sitting in the backseat of a car, but not really... I was kinda just floating there. In the driver's seat was a girl with long hair, and in the passenger seat a guy with spiky hair, but I didn't see either of their faces. All I could tell was that both were asleep. The car veered off the road and struck a tree. When the car went up in flames, I woke up with a start... at 4:45am.

The entire day, I felt really off but yet there was also this presence around me. At 10pm, my friend Craig broke the news to me and told me how it happened and what time it happened. I was in disbelief. My dream and the time I woke up matched reality exactly. It was at that point that the presence made sense.

Billy and Cathy McLaughlin needlessly lost their lives that day. I always wonder what life would be like if they were still alive today. Billy was going to follow in his father's footsteps and be an elevator repairman and Cathy was an aspiring actress, who at the time was performing at Theater Three in Port Jefferson.

I think about them every single day. It doesn't get any easier. :(

Billy McLaughlin: October 21, 1983 - November 11, 2001
Cathy McLaughlin: September 24, 1982 - November 11, 2001

bonnie_rocks: (Default)
Five years ago, at the time I started writing this (7:30am), I was waiting for the morning meeting of Specialists before getting out there to direct traffic and walk campers to their groups. Bob walked down from the office and met us near the tennis courts. He told us he had very grave news, and then preceeded to tell us about an accident that happened after work the previous day. Christina Poggoli was driving home from work with his brother in the passenger seat, when they were sideswiped. And even though she was wearing her seat belt, she was flung from the car via the open sunroof. Both she and her brother were airlifted to Stony Brook. She was pronounced dead at 6am. We were collectively a wreck.

We were the first of the staff to find out about it and were told that the Counselors were going to have a huge meeting about it during morning arrival, although they already knew. Bob assigned a portion of Specialists to go onto the tennis court to watch the children when they arrived. Bob assignmed me to watch Tuscarora B (8 and 9 year olds going into 4th grade), Christina's group. I'm really glad I chose to wear sunglasses that day, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to do it. So, I walked onto the tennis court with a huge smile on my face and watched and played with them as if nothing had happened. A few of them asked what the meeting was about, so I told them "Cups, and how the counselors have to make sure everyone throws out their cups." I couldn't tell them what it was really about, I wasn't allowed one was.

After the counselors had their debriefing, a large portion of them couldn't handle the news and went home. Others came back on the tennis courts and went to their groups. I was asked by a few of the campers why the other counselors were crying. This killed me. Keeping with the cup story, I said that it was also because they were told they could never have water fights. I knew they didn't believe me, but they laughed along with me anyway.

When it was time for the groups to go to their first activities, I walked with Tusc B to theirs and stayed a while until Bob came by to tell me to go set up my Music area. After I did that, I didn't have a group for a while, so I went into the Rinx and found a corner where no child could see me, and just bawled. It was awful.

Toward the end of the day, Tuscarora B was brought to a location nearby Go Carts, where they could all sit together. They were then joined by their parents. Rich (the director), Bob, the Junior Girls division head, and a Grief counselor met with them and talked about the passing of their counselor Christina and how she wasn't going to be coming back.

It was the hardest day I ever had while working at Hidden Pond Day Camp. Now those girls are CITs and I wonder if they remember that day. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think about that day, or you Christina. My last memory of you alive was the day before. It was Hawaiian Day, and your group had Music. One of your campers took a picture of me that day and you are in the background. I still have that picture.

Christina Marie Poggoli "Live, Love, Laugh" - 3/7/88 - 7/27/05



Nov. 11th, 2008 08:35 pm
bonnie_rocks: (Default)
7 Years.


bonnie_rocks: (Default)
Today marks 6 years since the passing of Billy and Cathy McLaughlin. They were two really great people whose lives were snatched away too soon. There are days when I wish they were still alive. I write this as I'm looking at the last picture taken of them together. I miss them dearly.

I saw 2 white doves this morning when I woke up, right outside my patio door. They always greet me on this day. In my mind I believe that those two doves are Billy and Cathy and that they come to visit me to see if I'm ok.

Billy and Cathy: I miss you and I love you.



Nov. 11th, 2006 03:07 pm
bonnie_rocks: (Default)
I can't believe it's been 5 years already.

Five.Tear filled.Years!! :'(

bonnie_rocks: (Default)
So, last night marked 1 year since I lost my dignity. Over the next few months after that had happened, a lot of things did a downward spiral in my life. Relationships changed. Friendships changed. But most of all, my outlook on everything changed.

Trust never came easy with me. Those who have known me for years know this, even if you never realized. But, ever since that night, it's become even harder for me to trust people. For some, it's been easier than others. For this, I am sorry.

Next comes comfort. My comfort level has changed drastically. I don't really feel comfortable being in a room alone with someone if I have a feeling that something is going to happen, whether they intended on it to happen or not. My stomach drops at the thought of history repeating itself. Hell, because of what happened to me, there are even times that I don't feel comfortable with Gushi, due to the nature of some of the things we do.

Lastly, I'm not a puppet anymore. I do things for myself moreso now than I ever have before. It's true that I still put everyone ahead of me before I put myself. But, now I know that I can put myself on a higher rung. I'm not to be taken advantage of. I won't let that happen.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank those of you who were there for me after October 7th, 2005 happened. A lot of you were there for me. Mikya, Danielle, Sam, Onion, Grundig, Neils, Alpha, Cleveland, Matt, Barbara, Bobby...the list goes on. Thank you. Unfortunately, a lot of those there for me no longer talk to me and couldn't give two shits if I died tomorrow. You know all who you are.

Special message for Mikya: You helped me get through this the most just for being there for me to hug and cry on. It was a very traumatic time in my life and you came to the rescue. If not for you, I, in all honesty, don't know where I would be today. You helped me get control of my life again. And for that I must thank you, from the bottom of my heart. ::Huggles::


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